


Callbacks

by neilperryreal (stimmedtavi)



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Charlie Dalton Mentioned, M/M, Neil lives, Penpals but gay, They're old now, anderperry, ghosting, mlm's being mlms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29473473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stimmedtavi/pseuds/neilperryreal
Summary: Why hasn't Todd called Neil back yet? Has Neil waited for nothing?
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Kudos: 13





	Callbacks

“Why didn’t you call?” I ask, voice cracking as tears rush down my face. I’m sitting on my living room floor, phone in hand. The cord is wrapped around my finger tightly, turning the tip of it a light red. I hear an inhale from the receiver, Todd sounds like he’s going to say something in response but no words come after the breath. “You were supposed to call. Or at least mail back a response, Todd. Remember?” I ask, begging for a response. I haven’t heard his voice in so long, I hate that it’s on these terms. I mailed him a letter a few months ago, letting him know I was going to be travelling but I’d be back at my apartment soon, that I’d be home on this date at this time and I think we should try calling. I sent him my phone number finally, excited to hear his voice and his words in real time. There was no phone at my father’s and I’d only recently gotten one at my place before I left to travel. I sat by the phone all night, waiting. I checked my mailbox every day, waiting for something. All I needed was for him to say something, even if it was a proper goodbye. I eventually became so frustrated I asked Charlie for Todd’s number, so frustrated with how long it was taking him and impatient.  
“Todd please say something,” I plead. He inhales again but instead of words comes a choked out cry. It sounds like he said ‘sorry’ but the receiver is so crackly I doubt I could understand him if he did talk normally. He hasn’t spoken since after he greeted me, his kind voice speaking so politely to me. The only thing I’ve heard has been inhales and the occasional cry, muffled by what I’m assuming was his hand.

“Neil,” he says, getting my attention. I almost laugh, chest constricting in the way it used to when he’d call for me. Memories of a love long gone flood my mind, making me more homesick for him as the silence after he speaks drags on. I remember the last few months before graduation so clearly. We fought so much. I wanted him to come with me, for us to run away and just get out of the miserable lives we were set to go onto. He refused the idea, telling me that we would meet again but instabilities so early in life was a bad idea, that he needed to get his life together first. It hurt then, but I know he was right now. Being right doesn’t mean things don’t hurt though, I guess that’s why I’m here now.  
“I’m sorry. I was afraid I guess.” He continues, his explanation short. I feel another tear roll down my cheek, anger bubbling up in my chest. ‘What is there to be afraid of?’ I want to ask him. This was his choice, this is what he wanted. He wanted us to go our separate ways, to split apart and instead of seeing each other every day he decided that sending letters was better. I would exchange all of our letters, all the heartfelt notes we’ve sent each other just to have him lay in my arms one more time. I’m so tired of the space between us, the chasm that has swallowed our hearts. “Why are you afraid, Todd? I’m still me I promise.” I laugh lightly, uncoiling my finger from the phone wire. He laughs for a second too and tells me he knows it’s silly.  
“I was just afraid that the distance between us would ruin things, that maybe you wouldn’t…” He trails off, not finishing his sentence. I know what he means but I want to hear it anyway. “Wouldn’t what?” I ask a bit cheekily, being a bother on purpose. Todd sighs grouchily and it reminds me that things really haven’t changed that much. We may be older but at heart I think we’ll always be the two boys whose bodies we left back in our dorm. The ones who had to wake up an hour early so they could pretend they didn’t sleep in the same bed again, the ones who always sat a little too close. We’ll always be the boys who were not so secretly in love, and that’s why I waited. I’d follow him anywhere, not because I am a fool but because there’s not another soul like his. 

“Neil are you still in love?”  
Todd asks me, his voice serious. And that question should make me nervous but it doesn’t, it really doesn’t. A smile finally comes onto my face as I tell him yes. It used to hurt to admit that I was in love with a boy, when I was younger. It hurt even more when it was radio silence on his side, it felt like there was nothing I could do but wait for him. During that time my heart ached more than ever, I was sick of being homesick for a boy who might never come back. But now he’s here, asking me if I still love him as I cry to him over the phone and I’m telling him yes, yes I still love you. Silence falls over him, I know he’s thinking. I can only hope it’s about me.  
“I love you too,” He replies, his voice soft but still tense. My chest fills with the same feeling it did the last time I saw him face to face. When the arguments were over, when I lost the arguments and we decided to get our lives together first. We were packing our things from our dorm, separate suitcases for separate homes. It wasn’t the end of us but it was the closing of a chapter, the final chapter in that book of our lives. Now we're in between, waiting for our sequel in a way. I hope this is our sequel, I hope this is our prologue. I want to open the next chapter, I don’t want to wait a second longer.

“I still love you but Neil the way things are is killing me, I can’t live this far apart from you.” Todd continues. He sounds exhausted, I know how he feels. He’s so far from me and it’s painful. A few of the butterflies in my lungs die, the thought that this could be our ending crosses my mind quickly and I ache. ‘Please don’t do this,’ I want to beg, ‘Please don’t end this here. There’s a part of me still with you.” is what I wish I could say. But instead I lean my head onto the wall behind me with a soft thud. “It’s only distance, I’m still with you Todd.” I say, trying to save this situation. I hear him choke a cry on his side of the phone, I wish I could be there. This distance may have built us stable lives but I worry it’s torn us apart. He can’t leave, I can’t see myself with anyone other than him. There’s nothing like what we have to me, I won’t find this again. If I am to get lost in the labyrinth of him I’ll die lost. I hear him breathe again, and wait for him to speak.

“Distance is ‘only’ distance sure, but Neil I need you here.” He tells me. It had never occurred to me that maybe he needs me just as much as I need him. I didn’t expect for him to care so deeply, and I guess I should have but.. it’s difficult to imagine a gem falling in love with a rock. Perhaps I admire him too much. “I don’t know if I have the right to say this anymore, especially after leaving you like that, but I love you too.” Todd continues. I choke on my own tears again, it’s been too long. I can’t even count the days since it was the last time I heard him say that to me. What would younger Neil think of me right now, watching his future self so detached from everything. Would he be proud? I hope so. This really isn’t the way things were planned out, I was supposed to be a doctor and have a wife. But instead, I’m working my way through college and talking to my high school sweetheart over the phone, sobbing. Though this is not where my future ends I know that this is not where it’s supposed to have been. My future is not meant to be here, but I’m going to get there. I’m going the right way, I’ve just lost my footing. I try not to be so dependent on him, I try not to let the only reason I keep pushing forward and continuing be the fact that I’ll see him again someday, but sometimes it’s hard. After graduation my life grew increasingly more controlled surprisingly. I thought adulthood would have given me freedom. Unfortunately though, I had to live with my father during my time outside of school. Even while staying at Harvard I was made to have weekly visits with him. Such a painful time had me desperate. I was alive to study, succeed and finally read the most recent letter. It felt like a reward for continuing on, when Todd would send back. I don’t want him to be some sort of reward anymore, I don’t want to have to wait anymore. I’m tired of the closest thing I’ve ever had to a home being so far. Home is where the heart is and I’m deathly homesick for him. I need to make this jump. I hate the in between we’re stuck in. 

“Could I come see you?” I ask gently. My voice is steady finally but my hands are shaky as I hold the phone tightly. My heart slams in my chest, I’m not sure if he’s ready to see me yet or if this is the right time to do this. Usually there’s a gut feeling when you make spur of the moment decisions but right now I don’t have a clue what he’s going to say. I hear him shift over the phone.  
“I would love for you to visit.” He replies calmly, though his voice is shaking a bit. I let out a breath of relief, the rising feeling he gives me arriving again. My anxiety dissipates for a second as I think of how it’ll feel like it used to. I’ll be allowed to go to him and sleep beside him just fine, no getting up early to move or any of that. We won’t have to be so secretive anymore. The thought makes my heart beat that much faster. I laugh aloud into the phone now, joyous and celebrating. I hear Todd laugh with me, his voice clear as it can be through this phone. It’s the little victories I’ll take. From the first letter to the first call back, and now the first visit. We’ll get to our future eventually, but this jump has us back on the right path.


End file.
